I could hear voices,
From depth unseen but
Manifesting through the faces of my mind.
It is tearing me apart;
Getting me afraid of my environment
And pumping the heat of frustration in me.
Can you hear it’s rumbling in my marrow?
Calling out from my ribs.
It is up to my brain;
It is closing up behind me.
Do you hear this voice?
Who else does? Who else shiver at the sound that billows with it?
Who else is terrified by it?
It is shutting down my soul,
Tearing apart my world.
These voices are from the depths
Beseeching,
But spreading deceitful lies
That I am inferior to others,
That I can’t, even when I can.
The voices make me look at myself and wonder.
It makes me look inhuman and locked up in my own shell.
These voices are humans
Continuously painting the fears in my past
Before me. See them,
They have got human faces
Tormenting me,
Seizing off life in me and
Pulling sanity off me.
The winds should hold me,
Else I go mad,
‘Cause the voices are gradually turning me to a welwolf
For these voices sting my ears with hope limited,
Blinding my eyes with hallucination of things not true.
The voices send down prickles of heat down my spine
And I look deranged even in a normal state.
See them behind me,
Unyielding, closing in.
My father…
I know he once saw through my eye balls,
And through my every laughter and hard work,
Those fears of the future, of friendship and sharing feelings,
Of limitations and being swallowed
And he warned,
Never should I shut the doors to
My world from people, but
Should rather work hard to achieve the greatness
That rouses like stored ocean in me.
Still the heart cries,
Not knowing of a part to follow,
The soul bleeds, as if choked out of life
Without mercy,
I breed anger,
I world hate,
Time has stilled I guess,
And with a widened eye,
I stared and searched through the ceiling
Coated with paints of betrayal,
Harsh words, disappointments, false lies,
And a touch of bitterness.
My memory went to my childhood
Playing painful episodes of the neglect and torments I went through.
I was looked with scorn and dismay like some sought of alien.
I was made to feel withdrawn and isolated like a cursed leper.
It makes me see the cloudy faces of setbacks,
The slow hands of time,
The baffling breed of life and
My eyes suck with depression.
The voices,
They snort, screech and
Squeak.
There was something about it this time.
Oh… It says to me:
“You are ugly and no one cares”.
Ahhh…
Can’t I just be me?
I am who I am,
Who else would I be?
The voices,
It buzzes and growls.
It bleats and roars to scare the humanness in me.
Thunders it sure did making me run.
My feet ache from fleet of pains the voices inflict.
I need air,
I need light,
I need a voice different from those I hear;
A voice which though absract but
Will curdle me with hopes and realities of who I am.
I need a guide to the present,
‘Cause the past has itself bewitched in me.
I need a teacher
To teach me the me that I have failed to see.
I tried to reminisce less painful memories.
I tried to shut down those voices.
In turn,
I saw light,
Reflected by my mirror
Which became my assurance,
I saw love through it,
And through eternal love, I take flight,
And what love failed to define,
I defined….
© Jidechukwu Nwabueze
